Twitchy. Twitchy.

April 11, 2010

Well. I’ve been officially single for 1 week. I’ve slept with O twice in that time. It was spectacular as always but I think it has come to an end. It was actually very therapeutic . Last Saturday I hadn’t expected it to all end the way it did but yesterday I knew what was happening. I was still sad when he left but felt a little bit of closure.

For the last week the thought of sex had not crossed my mind. At all. I had been wrapped up in my sadness but from the moment I opened the door to O, it was all I can do to get it out of my head. Even sleeping with him hasn’t satiated my appetite. He’s moving to Yorkshire on Wednesday and has spent today there moving some of his belongings so my text requesting a quickie or a ‘longie’ went unfulfilled.

I’m now so desperate that I even contemplated calling ‘the engineer‘ but another text from O put a stop to that thought.

I can’t be held responsible for my actions if the twitchyness continues. How do people go months without sex?

And on an unrelated point, 5th wheel man got in touch again yesterday. Which is extraordinary timing but he’s still not doing anything other than the odd post on my facebook wall. I need a man with some gumption!

Single again…

April 5, 2010

O and I broke up on Saturday and I am supremely sad.

As expected O was using the long distance crap as an excuse. He needs to be single for a while, he hasn’t been single for 11 years and I really do understand the need to put yourself first for once. That was part of the reason why I loved being single so much. Nobody to answer to. But the difference was that there was nobody that I wanted to be with at the time so I cannot understand wanting to be with someone and choosing to be alone.

Well anyway what will be will be. When he’s ready to have a relationship then I think he’ll come back but there’s no promising that I’ll be there. I am not a toy to be picked up and played with at one’s own leisure but if O ever did come back around I have no idea how I’ll react. I’ve been running scenarios in my head all day. Most of which end up with me calling him a fool and walking out but every so often I let the scenario end happily.

What’s really thrown me is that I’m far more upset about this small relationship ending than I was about my 8 year one. He left on Saturday at around 3pm and I haven’t changed out of my pyjamas since. All appetite has gone and I haven’t left the house. I’m actually thankful for work tomorrow because I will be forced to have a shower and pull myself together. When the ex (soon to be renamed the ex ex) left, I had the odd moment that made me stop dead and take a breath but this, this is different. Maybe because it’s not on my terms, maybe because I really let myself get swept away in him, or maybe because I was so desperate for my next relationship not to fail that I couldn’t help but feel like this because I built it up so high.

Well plenty to muse on but for now, I’m off to bed. I’ve been waiting for the clock to hit 10pm before allowing myself to go to sleep. What I really wanted was to jump into bed at 6 and cling to my duvet whilst listening to ‘The Opener’ by The Corteeners over and over. but I didn’t and I won’t. At least not tonight.

Oh god.

Single Again.

Sex with the ex

March 28, 2010

My ex came round the other night to pick up the last of his belongings which has been a somewhat cathartic experience for me and an overly sentimental one for him.
Two hours after the agreed time of 8.30pm he shows up at my door. (i hate people being late – a fact he knows and abuses) Off to the loft to plunder through old boxes and after half hour or so I decided to leave him to it and to read in bed until he had finished.
He took this as a sign to sit at the top of the stairs right beside my bedroom door and talk to me for another half hour. Finally he gets the hint when I ask for him to lock the door and post his keys through the letter box on the way out. Firm but necessary.
The next morning I wake with a jolt 20 minutes before my alarm. The jolt is a near orgasm in my sleep. Normally I would relish this dream and attempt a return to it but to my horror the man in the dream was my ex and what’s worse, it wasn’t normal straightforward sex it was nasty, doggy style, anal sex!
Where the hell did that come from?!
I can clearly see why my ex would make an appearence in my subconsious after that evening but what’s with the bum fun?
A call to O and a shower was promptly required.
xoxo

Ooops i did it again

March 22, 2010

Clearly I don’t learn from my mistakes… or as I’d like to call it “little lapses in my judgement”
I went out on Friday night with O and got very very tiddly indeed. We were ignoring the previously blogged about elephant in the room and having a right old laugh. O was not coming back to mine that night, so I was rather annoyed at the lack of sex that I would be having that evening.
Finding myself twitchy from the wine and public displays of affection I decided that my office would be a viable pitstop for a quickie before carrying on with the evening.

As expected nobody was there and keeping all the lights off, I slipped my keys into the lock and gave it a quick turn so no one could come in. I am a genius!

I led O up the spiral staircase, shut the door and well you can assume the rest.  I took advantage of not having any neighbours within earshot and allowed myself to really let go. It was amazing.

With O’s head buried into my neck I didn’t hear the bang. He heard it and his head shot up, I thought he was trying to make me scared so ignored him and didn’t react at all. That changed when suddenly light came streaming through the glass window.

Fuck.

So there we are, naked as the day we were born with somebody walking around in the office. I have never ever been so freaked out. Trying desperately to put my clothes back on as quickly as possible I managed to get my tights inside out with the socks stuck at the bottom and I had no knickers on… I should also point out that the bang we heard earlier on also coincided with O orgasming.  So you can imagine that putting tights on in this situation was not easy. Dress on, shoes on, its now that I see my bra on the floor – which I promptly stuff down the side of the couch. I am immediately thankful that my boobs are so small that it rarely makes any difference whether I’m wearing a bra or not. I am then secondly thankful that I took O upstairs instead of downstairs where I took the last guy and if I had, we would have been immediately visible to whoever was roaming around the office!

Now, how to play it. I decided I’d pretend that I was showing O what I had been working on that day. So I opened the door, wiped the sweat off my top lip and very loudly and convincingly stated “Yeah, I’ll just see who’s downstairs then I’ll show you my other film I’ve been working on” (I took drama as a child, I knew it would pay off one day).

Breath in. Downstairs I go.

Firstly, I saw my keys on the floor and recognised it as the source of the bang, obviously my genius streak to turn the key in the lock so nobody could get in didn’t quite pan out!

More deep breathing. I wander down the hall and there I find the nasty intruder. I walk in with a speech prepared and I’m faced with a simple “Are you done then?”

I had to laugh. It was the best of a bad situation. It was a male colleague who I’ve known for a few years. Also I know he’s good at keeping secrets and we were able to have a bit of a laugh about it and he has vowed to never say a thing again. I just don’t know how I’m going to look him in the eye tomorrow.

Will I never learn?

Elephant in the room

March 20, 2010

It was all going so well. O was nearly moving out of the flat he shared with his ex and we were finally going to be a proper couple that do normal things. My patience would pay off and all would be straightforward and easy.

I should have known it couldn’t last.

O has to move away for work. When he broke the news to me he had only just found out himself so was still in a state of aggh “I don’t know what I want to do” mode. This is huge deal for his company and there is absolutely no question of him not accepting the contract. Even though he claims he may not take it – I know he will and the thought of ending it had not even crossed my mind.

Unfortunately, O cannot say the same.

When I posed the question of what this meant for us he went quiet and said that realistically he thought it would be the end. A lump took up residence in my throat.

The reason being that when I say he’s moving away I mean he’ll no longer be 15 minutes away but an hour and a half away. Hence the shock, this is not what I consider a long distance relationship, an ‘LDR’ is living in different countries not the next county over and that, at least to me, does not mean the end of a relationship.

Why is it so black and white to some people? Am I only good girlfriend material if I’m local? Screw the fact that the guy says he’s hopelessly in love with me. We’ll forget that he’s told his friends I’m the ‘one’.

But. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. When I questioned my friends on what to do next, I got a resounding play it cool line and I downright refuse to do this. I am not a game player and I am in way to deep to pretend that I don’t like the guy. Now is not the time to withdraw and protect myself by acting like I don’t care when actually I do.

S0 for now we are still together but despite what happens next, whether we give the not so long distance relationship a go, I’m worried the damage has been done. How can I rely on someone who would give up so easily?

And that’s why there’s a big elephant in the room. We’re acting like nothing has happened. Last night we had an amazing evening and the elephant managed to hide for the night but it emerges during the days and shows no sign of leaving.

Balls. It’s never straightforward, is it?

Undies: grundy or otherwise

March 6, 2010

I hate his underwear. Hate, hate, hate it.

Whilst my own can’t be described as the most erotic, sexy or always ready for a public showing, it is at least quite attractive and if I was in any form of accident I would never be ashamed of various doctors seeing me in all my glory. It’s something that my mother beat into me…

“Honestly, you’re not still wearing that bra? What if you were in an accident? What would people think?”

to which I would respond…

“Well mother dearest, I would hope that if I were in such a horrific accident that all my clothes were torn off and I was left in just my underwear then I think I would be more concerned with whatever managed to leave me in that position.”

Anyway back to my underwear, I have a mixture of saucier pieces and cute briefs, with the occasional matching set thrown in. There is of course the blatant pre-coital underwear that nobody aside from Dita Von Teese would wear on a daily basis. O has yet to see these. I shall save those for the time when he has forgotten that the little glint in my eye and subtle raise of my eyebrow means I want to have sex. Now.

Above all of this, my underwear, every single piece, has been bought with my own money. O can not say the same. His mother is responsible for his boxers. Now there is nothing offensive about his underwear, they are clean and in good condition, they are not thong like or those hideous ‘comedy’ boxers, its just, they look like they were bought by his mother.

Maybe that’s the only reason I don’t like them, I could treat him to some nicer pairs (why do we say ‘pair’ when it’s just the one?) but I would just be another woman who was buying his underwear and I really think that a 31 year old should be doing that himself.

Either way, it’s no dealbreaker. His mum may buy the undies but thankfully, she doesn’t control the man in them, that would have been a dealbreaker!

My ‘O’

February 26, 2010

Well… It’s been a while. I’ve been purposefully absent from the blogging world because I’ve been hugely distracted and as everyone that knows me well knows this is only due to men.

Well in this case just the one man.

I met ‘O’ out and about in the middle of January and the last 6 weeks from then have been a beautiful blur. It started off quite messily, O lives with his girlfriend – before you think that I am an evil man stealing home wrecker please think again. I am not, but in this case there was an overlap and before you think that O is a complete cheating bugger, he is not. Well he is, in the sense that he cheated but nothing is that black and white and it’s all too boring to go into.

The short of it is that the only girlfriend he has now is yours truly and it is utterly wonderful. I am completely immersed in the new couple phase.  Naturally, I promised myself to remain guarded and hold back but I just couldn’t! I’ve jumped in feet first and rationality is an unwelcome guest. My friend has tried to tell me to slow down so I don’t get hurt but really what is the point?  I figure that I’d rather get supremely hurt than protect myself and miss the amazing feelings that I have now.

So, my single dating life didn’t really last as long as I expected but I know that I got what I needed from it and who’s to say that I won’t be single again? Although at risk of sounding like a knob if it goes pear shaped, this feels big. Really, really, BIG. So much so, that I’ve been swallowing the urge to blurt out I love you at every perfect moment. I am very much the smitten kitten.

For now though, I have to decide whether to write about him (I mean, more than I already have tonight!). I don’t think that I will. I want to keep him to myself for now.

My wonderful O.

PMS, Irrational and freaking ANGRY!

January 29, 2010

AAAAAAGHGHGH!!!!! I can’t tell whether i’m being completely irrational or the sanest I have been in along time but either way I am ANGRY.

This week started off so well, it peaked on Wednesday with a male visitor… more on him in another post… and then I was asked out on Thursday by the guy that gave me my epiphany never to have any more one night stands (I said yes. Just to dinner mind, I’m sticking to my rules) and then today, I had lots of lovely emails from the male visitor from wednesday and was generally feeling like the world was my oyster but my lovely oyster world has been well and truly swallowed in one by my ex.

I got home tonight to find the document that transfers the house into my name, I have to sign it in front of a witness. My ex had already signed it, and who was his witness. Only his shitting new girlfriend! What a f***ing dig! I am absolutely fuming, I know that I’ve had two vodka lemonades and I’m due on but seriously I want to chuffing well beat the chuffing nora out of him. A very childish text message was sent and now I’ve had both house phone and mobile sodding ringing off the hook. I can’t even think about picking up the phone.

Then I went to pour a glass of wine and there was only enough for half a glass (why would I have left this in the first place?) and that did it, I had been pushed to my limit and I could feel myself lower onto the kitchen floor, head in hands and I sobbed there until I realised that my floor was disgustingly filthy and I was wearing a fantastic skirt. I’m now plonked on my sofa, with my half a glass of wine and I’m wishing I hadn’t finished the tub of cookie dough ice cream yesterday. I need to learn to save it for real emergencies like this.

I still don’t know whether it was the ex that was the cause of the pathetic tears or the PMS, the vodkas and the lack of wine all combined to make me cry but I didn’t get that normal sense of release that comes after a good sobbing session.

Nope. just the anger.

and its still there.

I’m done with the one

January 24, 2010

I woke up in someone else’s bed this morning. For the first time I wasn’t smiling about what fun I had had the night before. It was nothing to do with the guy, he was, well average to be fair but that really wouldn’t have made a difference. Not this morning.

I just feel a bit… blah. I don’t even know why I slept with him. I thought he was cute and lately that seems to be all it takes. And this morning it just kind of clicked that I need to have a bit more self respect and realise that this isn’t the way to make myself feel good and validate myself. I want the guys that get into my pants to be guys that I really like and so far none of the recent conquests have come close to fitting that bill and that is a really sad fact.

I think what really put the nail in the coffin is that I lied to my friend. I sent her a text telling her that I was in a taxi on my way home when actually I was waiting for this guy to find me. I lied to her again this morning. She told me she was worried about me and I just couldn’t tell her that I’d slept with someone else.

For the last three months or so I’ve been overdosing on the attention I’m getting. Its partly due to finally being single and being ‘out’ there and partly due to losing 3 stone and suddenly having a body that is attracting people. I’m just not used to it at all and I think I’ve been a bit overwhelmed by everything. I really don’t like the path that I’m going down.

So, I’m done with the one night stand.

Boy updates 1.0

January 22, 2010

I’ve slept with a weirdo. The engineer is somewhat psychotic. The more this week continues the more I think he believes we are in a relationship. The evidence is rising… he asked me to go on the pill. so odd. He spent over three hours telling me about his ex and I was counselling him. He sends me at least one text through the day to see ‘how i am?’. Today I left my phone at home and had three messages from him. ‘how was your day today?’ ‘what you doing tonight?’ ‘Hope I’ve not upset you and you’re ignoring me’. He seemed so chilled and normal when I met him but now he’s so overly sensitive and mushy and I should have realised when during our evening together, we were having our play fight and he said “this is so great, our first fight”.

OH MY GOD! I love a guy to show a bit of interest after I sleep with them but this guy is just relentless. I feel so utterly rude for ignoring his texts but I think i’ve got to. Thankfully, he only knows where I work, I never thought having sex at work would turn out to be the clever thing I did that evening.

And now, for the 5th wheel man. After not hearing from him for two weeks and even after I sent a lovely email apologising for being intimidating, he has just got in touch. Again on facebook chat. (I know its a crap form of communication but I’m a sucker and I don’t take advice) I was reading a blog when all of a sudden i hear a little bip noise alerting me that I have a new message from someone and lo and behold there he is. I thought I’d be sweetness and lite to him and then hit him for ignoring my email. Which I did and quite masterfully I think. His response was that he thought it was a rhetorical email.

Seriously, how do I keep getting this so very wrong?!

This is what I wrote to him…

hello late night chat buddy,

Just wanted to apologise for me being an intimidating fool. I think its more my nervousness masquerading as confidence. Those nerves are always getting me in trouble! Hope I haven’t scared you too much. Would be nice to see you again and not just for your poached eggs – I promise to be neither scary nor intimidating. Well maybe a little scary, sadly it’s probably a part of my personality that I can’t turn off.

####.x

Now, I know there was no question in there but still you wouldn’t ignore that? Anyway, moving on, he apologised and asked about my plans this weekend, I said I was out in a certain corner of town tomorrow night, he coincidentally may be out in that same corner tomorrow night and would text me if he is. I simply replied.. “I hope you will.”

Of course that where I should have left it. but I didn’t – made a slight dick of myself with a joke that went wrong but I’m past the point of caring with this one.

Either way I plan on having a fantastic time tomorrow night with lots of blog fodder to feed you on Sunday.

Love me.xxx