O and I broke up on Saturday and I am supremely sad.
As expected O was using the long distance crap as an excuse. He needs to be single for a while, he hasn’t been single for 11 years and I really do understand the need to put yourself first for once. That was part of the reason why I loved being single so much. Nobody to answer to. But the difference was that there was nobody that I wanted to be with at the time so I cannot understand wanting to be with someone and choosing to be alone.
Well anyway what will be will be. When he’s ready to have a relationship then I think he’ll come back but there’s no promising that I’ll be there. I am not a toy to be picked up and played with at one’s own leisure but if O ever did come back around I have no idea how I’ll react. I’ve been running scenarios in my head all day. Most of which end up with me calling him a fool and walking out but every so often I let the scenario end happily.
What’s really thrown me is that I’m far more upset about this small relationship ending than I was about my 8 year one. He left on Saturday at around 3pm and I haven’t changed out of my pyjamas since. All appetite has gone and I haven’t left the house. I’m actually thankful for work tomorrow because I will be forced to have a shower and pull myself together. When the ex (soon to be renamed the ex ex) left, I had the odd moment that made me stop dead and take a breath but this, this is different. Maybe because it’s not on my terms, maybe because I really let myself get swept away in him, or maybe because I was so desperate for my next relationship not to fail that I couldn’t help but feel like this because I built it up so high.
Well plenty to muse on but for now, I’m off to bed. I’ve been waiting for the clock to hit 10pm before allowing myself to go to sleep. What I really wanted was to jump into bed at 6 and cling to my duvet whilst listening to ‘The Opener’ by The Corteeners over and over. but I didn’t and I won’t. At least not tonight.
Oh god.
Single Again.
Tags: again, fuck my life, i love my pyjamas, not showered for two days, single, the ex
April 5, 2010 at 10:09 pm |
oh love. At this horrid point there isn’t much can be said by anyone to make it better, so I’m hoping the idea of a virtual hug and slobaroo brings an eensy bit of warmth to an otherwise bleak evening. Hang tough sweet cheeks xxx
April 11, 2010 at 6:57 pm |
Sorry to hear this. His loss though x
April 11, 2010 at 10:31 pm |
Thanks perpetual.xx
April 13, 2010 at 11:36 pm |
Ohh, that really is terribly sad. You’re a soppy old romantic really, aren’t you? (And I mean that in a good way…)
April 14, 2010 at 9:47 pm |
I fear I might be. My heart is destined to always be worn on my sleeve.
Ah well, there are worse flaws to have.x
April 15, 2010 at 7:24 am |
Oh bloody hell. Hope you’re OK x