Twitchy. Twitchy.

Well. I’ve been officially single for 1 week. I’ve slept with O twice in that time. It was spectacular as always but I think it has come to an end. It was actually very therapeutic . Last Saturday I hadn’t expected it to all end the way it did but yesterday I knew what was happening. I was still sad when he left but felt a little bit of closure.

For the last week the thought of sex had not crossed my mind. At all. I had been wrapped up in my sadness but from the moment I opened the door to O, it was all I can do to get it out of my head. Even sleeping with him hasn’t satiated my appetite. He’s moving to Yorkshire on Wednesday and has spent today there moving some of his belongings so my text requesting a quickie or a ‘longie’ went unfulfilled.

I’m now so desperate that I even contemplated calling ‘the engineer‘ but another text from O put a stop to that thought.

I can’t be held responsible for my actions if the twitchyness continues. How do people go months without sex?

And on an unrelated point, 5th wheel man got in touch again yesterday. Which is extraordinary timing but he’s still not doing anything other than the odd post on my facebook wall. I need a man with some gumption!

Single again…

O and I broke up on Saturday and I am supremely sad.

As expected O was using the long distance crap as an excuse. He needs to be single for a while, he hasn’t been single for 11 years and I really do understand the need to put yourself first for once. That was part of the reason why I loved being single so much. Nobody to answer to. But the difference was that there was nobody that I wanted to be with at the time so I cannot understand wanting to be with someone and choosing to be alone.

Well anyway what will be will be. When he’s ready to have a relationship then I think he’ll come back but there’s no promising that I’ll be there. I am not a toy to be picked up and played with at one’s own leisure but if O ever did come back around I have no idea how I’ll react. I’ve been running scenarios in my head all day. Most of which end up with me calling him a fool and walking out but every so often I let the scenario end happily.

What’s really thrown me is that I’m far more upset about this small relationship ending than I was about my 8 year one. He left on Saturday at around 3pm and I haven’t changed out of my pyjamas since. All appetite has gone and I haven’t left the house. I’m actually thankful for work tomorrow because I will be forced to have a shower and pull myself together. When the ex (soon to be renamed the ex ex) left, I had the odd moment that made me stop dead and take a breath but this, this is different. Maybe because it’s not on my terms, maybe because I really let myself get swept away in him, or maybe because I was so desperate for my next relationship not to fail that I couldn’t help but feel like this because I built it up so high.

Well plenty to muse on but for now, I’m off to bed. I’ve been waiting for the clock to hit 10pm before allowing myself to go to sleep. What I really wanted was to jump into bed at 6 and cling to my duvet whilst listening to ‘The Opener’ by The Corteeners over and over. but I didn’t and I won’t. At least not tonight.

Oh god.

Single Again.