PMS, Irrational and freaking ANGRY!

AAAAAAGHGHGH!!!!! I can’t tell whether i’m being completely irrational or the sanest I have been in along time but either way I am ANGRY.

This week started off so well, it peaked on Wednesday with a male visitor… more on him in another post… and then I was asked out on Thursday by the guy that gave me my epiphany never to have any more one night stands (I said yes. Just to dinner mind, I’m sticking to my rules) and then today, I had lots of lovely emails from the male visitor from wednesday and was generally feeling like the world was my oyster but my lovely oyster world has been well and truly swallowed in one by my ex.

I got home tonight to find the document that transfers the house into my name, I have to sign it in front of a witness. My ex had already signed it, and who was his witness. Only his shitting new girlfriend! What a f***ing dig! I am absolutely fuming, I know that I’ve had two vodka lemonades and I’m due on but seriously I want to chuffing well beat the chuffing nora out of him. A very childish text message was sent and now I’ve had both house phone and mobile sodding ringing off the hook. I can’t even think about picking up the phone.

Then I went to pour a glass of wine and there was only enough for half a glass (why would I have left this in the first place?) and that did it, I had been pushed to my limit and I could feel myself lower onto the kitchen floor, head in hands and I sobbed there until I realised that my floor was disgustingly filthy and I was wearing a fantastic skirt. I’m now plonked on my sofa, with my half a glass of wine and I’m wishing I hadn’t finished the tub of cookie dough ice cream yesterday. I need to learn to save it for real emergencies like this.

I still don’t know whether it was the ex that was the cause of the pathetic tears or the PMS, the vodkas and the lack of wine all combined to make me cry but I didn’t get that normal sense of release that comes after a good sobbing session.

Nope. just the anger.

and its still there.

I’m done with the one

I woke up in someone else’s bed this morning. For the first time I wasn’t smiling about what fun I had had the night before. It was nothing to do with the guy, he was, well average to be fair but that really wouldn’t have made a difference. Not this morning.

I just feel a bit… blah. I don’t even know why I slept with him. I thought he was cute and lately that seems to be all it takes. And this morning it just kind of clicked that I need to have a bit more self respect and realise that this isn’t the way to make myself feel good and validate myself. I want the guys that get into my pants to be guys that I really like and so far none of the recent conquests have come close to fitting that bill and that is a really sad fact.

I think what really put the nail in the coffin is that I lied to my friend. I sent her a text telling her that I was in a taxi on my way home when actually I was waiting for this guy to find me. I lied to her again this morning. She told me she was worried about me and I just couldn’t tell her that I’d slept with someone else.

For the last three months or so I’ve been overdosing on the attention I’m getting. Its partly due to finally being single and being ‘out’ there and partly due to losing 3 stone and suddenly having a body that is attracting people. I’m just not used to it at all and I think I’ve been a bit overwhelmed by everything. I really don’t like the path that I’m going down.

So, I’m done with the one night stand.

Boy updates 1.0

I’ve slept with a weirdo. The engineer is somewhat psychotic. The more this week continues the more I think he believes we are in a relationship. The evidence is rising… he asked me to go on the pill. so odd. He spent over three hours telling me about his ex and I was counselling him. He sends me at least one text through the day to see ‘how i am?’. Today I left my phone at home and had three messages from him. ‘how was your day today?’ ‘what you doing tonight?’ ‘Hope I’ve not upset you and you’re ignoring me’. He seemed so chilled and normal when I met him but now he’s so overly sensitive and mushy and I should have realised when during our evening together, we were having our play fight and he said “this is so great, our first fight”.

OH MY GOD! I love a guy to show a bit of interest after I sleep with them but this guy is just relentless. I feel so utterly rude for ignoring his texts but I think i’ve got to. Thankfully, he only knows where I work, I never thought having sex at work would turn out to be the clever thing I did that evening.

And now, for the 5th wheel man. After not hearing from him for two weeks and even after I sent a lovely email apologising for being intimidating, he has just got in touch. Again on facebook chat. (I know its a crap form of communication but I’m a sucker and I don’t take advice) I was reading a blog when all of a sudden i hear a little bip noise alerting me that I have a new message from someone and lo and behold there he is. I thought I’d be sweetness and lite to him and then hit him for ignoring my email. Which I did and quite masterfully I think. His response was that he thought it was a rhetorical email.

Seriously, how do I keep getting this so very wrong?!

This is what I wrote to him…

hello late night chat buddy,

Just wanted to apologise for me being an intimidating fool. I think its more my nervousness masquerading as confidence. Those nerves are always getting me in trouble! Hope I haven’t scared you too much. Would be nice to see you again and not just for your poached eggs – I promise to be neither scary nor intimidating. Well maybe a little scary, sadly it’s probably a part of my personality that I can’t turn off.

####.x

Now, I know there was no question in there but still you wouldn’t ignore that? Anyway, moving on, he apologised and asked about my plans this weekend, I said I was out in a certain corner of town tomorrow night, he coincidentally may be out in that same corner tomorrow night and would text me if he is. I simply replied.. “I hope you will.”

Of course that where I should have left it. but I didn’t – made a slight dick of myself with a joke that went wrong but I’m past the point of caring with this one.

Either way I plan on having a fantastic time tomorrow night with lots of blog fodder to feed you on Sunday.

Love me.xxx

F My Life

Another blogger introduced me to Fmylife and below are a few of my favourites.

Today, I texted my Dad to tell him I’m staying at my boyfriend’s house and won’t be home. Since I had predictive text on, my phone didn’t quite get the word ‘home’ – the message I sent said, ‘I’m staying at Will’s, I’ll not be good tonight.’ FML

Today, my boyfriend informed me that sharing a bed with me was like sleeping with a seizing cat. FML

Today, I found a piece of rice in my belly button. I can’t remember the last time I ate or handled rice. FML

Today, I went on  third date with a guy, hoping that maybe finally I would get some physical interaction. I did. I got a high five. FML

Today, I realised that the most kisses I ever get are in text messages from my Dad. FML

Today, I was in the line at Chipotle and noticed a  very attractive lady in her mid 20′s. I deliberately took the table next to her and her friend and happened to overhear what they were talking about. They were both discussing how much diarrhoea they were going to have when they got home. FML

Today, I checked my Facebook notifications to see that someone likes my new single status. My ex. FML

Today, I fell asleep while masturbating. I’m so bad that I bore myself. FML

‘The engineer’

It’s 4pm and I’ve just woken up. I am so revoltingly tired and last night, I did a naughty thing and it was very unprofessional. So let me tell you the story…

Last night was my friends leaving do, she’s venturing off travelling so I went out to give her a good send her off. I had been working all day and it was ten before I ended up going out so I started on doubles to catch up with folk. Dear god. doubles make me plastered. I think I was a little out of control. I’m certain I started telling a one of my colleagues some of my deepest darkest secrets. I’ve not even written them on here and I was sharing it out like its a bedtime story. Doubles are not my friend.

One of the guys I was out with last night was one of the juniors from work. He’s quite cute but he’s only 22 and his immaturity makes a very regular appearance. But as I was feeling particularly excitable last night, I thought I’d tease him a bit. I know that he kind of has a crush on me but nothing serious and I know what your probably thinking but he’s not the unprofessional thing I did. Although, had I not been sidetracked he probably would have been.

No the man that turned me into a quivering wreck this morning was an engineer. He got me at the bar. I immediately liked him, kinda dorky in cute charming way. So we got to talking and laughing and long story short, I left with him and this is where the unprofessional me came out. Instead of taking the 20 minute cab ride to mine, which all in all would have been a much much saner and more rational option, I thought to myself, no I’m in town. I work in town. I have keys to my office. Let’s go there.

WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!

That is not a good idea. Never, never, never going to do it again and whilst it was amazing to have sex on the desk where I had been working all day, all that is going through my mind now is what evidence did I leave behind. You just know that there’s going to be a little corner of the foil condom wrapper lurking around. Not to mention that I lost my bra (found it under the couch). So after I’ve finished this I’m going to make the treck into town and go on a ‘find and destroy’ mission.

As for the night itself well I just don’t know where it went to. We were having such fun and suddenly it’s 7.40am. Unsure of whether anyone was working that day I hot footed it out of there, not first without checking my reflection and finding that nearly all my makeup had been removed, a spot had appeared on my chin AND my right eye had turned pink due to a rogue bit of the engineers.. ahem… fluid. This poor sod must have thought I was quite the minger. Thankfully, I had a big hat – to hide the face and to hide more rogue sperm that was in my hair. Quite the picture I was. Despite how wonderful I didn’t look, the engineer walked me to the tram and waited with me, keeping me warm with intermittent kisses.

I guess the bonus to staying up and having sex all night is that I was just able to hop on the tram home this morning – no expensive taxi fare. The downside was that I wasn’t wearing a bra, I blatantly looked like I just had sex and if you weren’t entirely sure then the clinton-esque stains on my dress would have confirmed everything.

So despite the stupidness of sex at work and the consequences that may come, it really was worth it. The sex was amazing and I have carpet burns everywhere and I will never be able to sit on that couch in my office again without imagining everything that took place and smiling gleefully. Definitely makes my working day a bit more humourous.

Now, must go start my mission. Stupid consequences.

Love me.XOXO

PS: I also went to the bar with the really cute barman and he’s still gorgeous. He got my drink order very wrong and I’m going to pretend it was on purpose so that he could speak to me. (I know it’s probably not true but PAH to that reality)

Piercing. Again.

I’m getting my clit pierced. Again. What I should say is I’m getting my hood done, the clit would be a pain worse than anything imaginable. Having had it once before and loving it (the ex was less keen) I definitely want to do it again. I figure dress it up and make it look pretty(er). I can’t quite remember why I took it out and I’m concerned that I’m forgetting something massive but the rose tinted glasses refuse to be budged. I’ve been thinking about it for a while and even considered attempting to repierce it myself because the hole is still there and it seems like it should be able to go through but it just. won’t. go.

It was my 21st birthday present and from what I recall it didn’t hurt too much. I remember inhaling very sharply and lots and lots of tingling and as it was my 21st I got absolutely hammered and completely forgot that I’d had it done. Let’s just say that my first trip to the ladies was the most painful of my life and I have never been more aware of my lady garden!

So interested to know, what are your views? Like it or Hate it?

It’s not him, it’s me!

Arse, Facebook chat is devilish, it brings out a very bad side of me. Last night I found myself in another chat with the 5th wheel and I thought things were going along fantastically well – he was really making me laugh and I was flirting back with him whilst trying to engineer great opportunities for him to ask me out. But he wasn’t getting the hint. Not one bit.

As it was getting late, I took my laptop up to bed so I could carry on the conversation and made a pun about him being in my bed and now he was under pressure to perform. He responded with ‘I think I’ll fall at the first hurdle’, why on earth would he say that? That was a golden opportunity to big himself up and to flirt back and so I told him that. And his response to me telling him that was “haha you’re just so intimidating”.

Shit.

“Really?”

“Yeah, a little”

Fuck.Fuck.Fuck.Fuck a duck.

In my quest to engineer a date I’ve gone and been a twat that’s far too forward. No wonder he hasn’t asked me out, the poor guy’s scared I’ll eat him alive. I promptly apologised and told him that he could have a break from me and it was nice to chat to him anyway. I went offline and vowed not to turn on chat again. I want to be offline forever.

How can I recover from this one? I was thinking of sending an email later on today or tomorrow and being quite honest and just say it was nerves masquerading as confidence and in person I’m not as forward, its just that I hate facebook chat! When you’re typing to a computer screen it doesn’t feel the same as talking to a person and I say things I wouldn’t normally say just to keep the conversation going.

Is this guy a lost cause now?

Any tips greatly appreciated.

Love, a very deflated me.xoxo

The 5th and 6th wheel

Its been a while since I’ve blogged and I have good reason… Christmas and New Year has been a complete mess of alcohol and catching up with friends and my brain has not found any way to write it all down and also, I’m fearful that my secret identity may be under threat. You see I was all set for a very quiet New Years Eve, I wanted to cook a great meal and have a lovely bottle of wine and generally ignore the anti-climactic nature of the evening with as little expense as possible. All in all a great plan from me, and its not that I’m a complete bah humbug person but I quite liked the idea of seeing in the New Year solo, a small nod to my new life. But after chatting to a friend, she was not in agreement with my amazing plan and forced (to be fair – my arm didn’t need too much twisting) me to go out with her and her husband and another couple who also brought along a friend. He was “the 5th wheel” and I was more like a “6th wheel” – a nice little even number.

Before my arrival, they were having a natter about who was coming out and my lovely friend was telling them all about me and at the end of my intro she added “oh, and she has a blog all about her single life”. This has been my downfall.

The night carried on and was turning into a great evening, 12 o’clock came and went with much merriment and very odd 1920′s music. Lots of talking and flirting and a very strange fight between my friends husband and a guy trying to chat me up, very odd and i’m still unsure of why it all happened but it was eventful. Whilst forcing more alcohol down my throat, I was talking more and more to the 5th wheel and getting on very well with him and then he blurts out “So I hear you have a blog?”. Horror and panic flashed in my eyes. I am going to kill my friend. I no longer have friends. The 5th wheel tells me that he also blogs and was quite interested in finding out the name of mine and I have never been more thankful that I was not plastered at that moment because I’m fairly sure that I would have told him and that would have been the end of my short lived blogging career. (Obviously this would have been a disaster for not just me but you guys as well!!)

A lot of nattering later and the 5th wheel is saying something about it being late and he was going but that he wanted to see me again, so I gave him my number and I seem to recall some kind of banter about me going back to his and how he’d cook me breakfast (this explains the random text message that just read “hash browns?”) I was seriously considering it until I realised there was a chance I was more excited about the food than him so I thought I would give the self respect thing a go for a while. See how that pans out for me. And I wanted to see if I liked this guy sober before I get drunk and jump into bed with him.

To my surprise he text me first thing on New Years Day, “I’m glad you didn’t come back with me last night, I dread to think what the blog would’ve said…”, another surprise was that a big smile came across my face, maybe I do like him. or maybe I like the fact that he likes me and its a ‘pseudo like’ but anyway I’m just going to wait and see if he calls. I quite like the idea of having a proper date and getting all dressed up and being nervous and whilst there’s been quite a few texts back and forth and he totally stalked me on facebook, (found me without my surname), there’s been no whiff of a phone call or an email or anything even relating to going out. I’ve initiated contact twice and the first time lead to lots of innuendo filled text messages until 2am. I am not texting again. Definitely not. No.

I’m still a little paranoid that he really wants to see my blog. Show you mine, you show me yours kinda thing but I said he could either see my blog and never see me again or he could see me again… (I may have insinuated naked, but it was late and there was innuendos flying around every which way)… he chose me, phew. and I know that it’s highly unlikely that he could just stumble across this blog but it’s really put me off writing anything for the last week. Just the thought that somebody wants to find it makes me hold back a bit and for an oversharer like me this is very distressing! Maybe by next week I’ll have gotten over it. Stay tuned folks.

Love me. XOXO

P.S.: Apologies for the lack of humour or wit or structure to this post. I’m fairly sure the brain cells that control my sense of humour have been destroyed by alcohol.